My Death Diary
by Oneka
Summary: Kenny's decided to track his different deaths, and his general life along with them. He stumbles across some pretty big changes with his friends, and ends up being the advisor of the group. StanxKyle CartmanxWendy


_Hullo. This is only on this account temporarily into my new one is allowed to post up fics. _

_Sorry this chapter is so short ;; I promise the next'll be longer, and the plot will start up, okay? Good, great, thanks._

_Disclaimer:_ Oh I wish I owned them ..

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Today went great. Just_ fucking_ fantastic! I'm used to dying by now, but I hate it when people think I haven't died in a certain way and want to try that out on me. Well, okay, this time it was an accident, but Tweek could've been more careful with that coffee pot.

So the one Saturday I get in a week was ruined, and I spent the day in hell. Which, by the way, isn't as fun as all those Satanists make it out to be. I used to spend my days down there frying with all the rest of the damned, but ever since Damien came to the surface and got to know us, he lets me hang out with him. He's a sissy emo bitch, but it beats being torn limb from limb. He watches shitty soaps, and then goes on and on about how happy he'll be when Pip dies. I thought Pip would go to heaven, but Damien's assured me he'll find some way to get him down here.

When I got back that evening I went to see Cartman. He's an ass, but he's the only one that really listens to me when I'm depressed. Stan and Kyle are the sensible ones, but they always have to contradict me, or tell me what I've done wrong or shit like that. Cartman will agree with me and sometimes offer me food. Food's a big thing to me, when you live off bread and crisps anything other than that is welcomed. And obviously Cartman has a lot of stuff, like doughnuts and biscuits and… chocolate. It's like heaven in a house.

But he wasn't in. His mom told me he was with Butters. Psh, yeah right. I went straight where I thought I'd find him, the candy store. Surprise surprise, dead on target.

"Kenny! Back with the living? Cheesy poof?" He offered me the packet and I ended up wolfing the whole pack down in a couple of seconds. "Woah dude, hell make you hungry? Or are you just getting poorer?" He asked me with that annoying smirk of his.

"Fuck off fatass," I growl, but like everyone else he pretends not to hear me and carries on with his weight-gaining mission. Just because I always have my hood up does NOT mean I'm always muffled, especially when I'm that close to someone. But I trailed him around the shop, maybe I'd be able to steal a chocolate bar off him when we got out.

When we did get out, he kept the bag close to him as if I was going to fucking run off with it or something. "Park?" He asked me, a few gummy bears dying inside his mouth. I nodded grumpily, maybe he'd actually listen to me when we were there.

That was the normal hang out now. Craig, Tweek and Butters were there when we arrived. Craig was trying to get Tweek to have a fit, which was pretty cruel of him. Cartman and I took over the climbing frame. Cartman's oversized figure was enough to scare off the little kids without me having to do anything.

"So, Kenny, you come to me now, after your hour of death. Why?" I hate it when he's like this. Acting so sweet. It's not in his nature to be nice, I don't think he ever knows how to act nice. I pulled my hood down, running a hand through my hair. It's getting so long now. Well… not girly long, but long for a guy. I'm going to get Butters to trim it for me. Or my sister.

"Can I have one?" I just had to swallow my pride and ask. Cartman couldn't keep that fat smug smirk off his fat smug face. He's so fat and smug.

"Of course Kenny. But first I would love to hear a pwease," he grinned at me. "You must remember your manners," he told me, stuffing a strawberry lace into his mouth.

I frowned at him, but gave in. "Please Cartman," I growled, waiting with my arms folded. I'd get him back for this later. All I wanted was one lousy sweet.

"Now say, 'please Eric, oh great and worthy master of da universe, allow me to have one of your most delicious sweets, although I am not worthy of-" Okay, now he was just taking the piss.

"CARTMAN. Give me a sweet fatass," I don't want to brag, but I have pretty quick reactions, and within a second the bag was mine and I was down the slide in an instant.

"KENNY YOU FUCKING THEIF BRING ME BACK MY CANDY," Cartman yelled after me, trying to get his lardy hips onto the slide. Ha, a ten second head start for me then. I try not to steal though, as far as I can help it, so I was only planning on eating as much as I needed.

I jumped over the little kiddy gate, ran past Tweek, Craig and Butters, and headed home. Cartman would eventually catch up, he never leaves candy.

Well, that's what I thought. And now I'm home, eating as much as I can before he gets here, writing in this dinky little journal. It's my little sister's, but she never uses it. I know I must seem like a fag, but oh well. I figured I'll use this as a death log. I'll only write in it when I come back from dying. That way it's not a wussy diary. Eh, Cartman's going to break down the door if I leave him out there any longer…

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